// dreamelesse.

I never knew my maternal uncle-in-law (basically 大姨丈) well, but it still came as a shock when I saw my parents leaving our house two nights prior, asked where they were going and my mum replied with the bad news. Though I blurted out that it's so sudden, she knew he wasn't long when he was sent to the hospice a while back. I struggled, contemplating if I should attend the wake - does that happen to you? I imagine most of my friends wouldn't have had such issues, but being the awkward turtle that I am, I struggled. Because for me, I find it hard to attend a funeral of someone I don't connect with. I can attend a total stranger's funeral if someone close to me is related to the deceased, yet I can't find the motivation to go for the funeral of a maternal aunt. How horrible and regrettable that my familial ties are never strong. And sometimes I wonder if the sloth in me is just taking over and consuming my life. (Okay, that sounded so melodramatic.) In any ...

안녕. Hi there, dear blog. Is it weird that I'm back again? After two freakin' years? Haha! I'm pretty speechless and surprised, but thankful that I've remembered this old friend, this blog. And really, while today is a seemingly random day - not my 21st, not the day I got a boyfriend (still hasn't got one, btw) - it is still a unique day: the one and only 24th September 2014. OK, I'll stop it. Truth is, it's my graduation today. The day I become a degree holder! -pops champagne- Aside from simply receiving paper recognition, you could say it's the day I officially step into the white-collared world. Where I'll be working a 9-to-6 job and responsibilities are manifold. I'm now, truly, an adult. To be cliche and typically teenage, ohmaigawd that iz so frightening?! But honestly, throughout my whole degree course I've always been between school and work, so much so that I actually feel like my part-time job is full-time while my full-...

I'm watching "1 Litre of Tears" for the first time ever(!!) and now I'm halfway through. There was a scene where Aya wanted to borrow a book at the library (of her school for the handicapped) after operating hours, and the librarian coldly rejected her, strictly following the operating schedule. Is she so busy and out of time that she can't even do something for one person? Are we so busy that we just stop doing more? I wouldn't have been so affected if not for the fact that Aya is handicapped, I'm pretty sure. But fact is, we are probably all guilty of this.

A Korean drama, "Me Too, Flower", I seem to unreasonably love just ended - last Wesnesday, actually. After the first half of it, I was so sure I'll somehow come to hate it, no thanks to annoying a pain-in-the-ass antagonists and a cycle of misunderstandings and making-ups, but in the end, the good parts were too hard to resist. I asked myself countless times and wondered, "Why do I like this so much?" and I think that's because I can relate to Bong-sun. Sometimes I feel like I'm mildly depressed and indulge in fantasies way too much, just like her. I just want to love and be loved, too. Simple. There's a conversation between Bong-sun and her counsellor/therapist that I remember and think about frequently: she asks along the lines of "Why does that person act that way?" and the counsellor doesn't give her an answer, but states that when people ask these questions, they're assuming that the other person's at fault, leaving th...

Be honest about myself.

The rain poured and then...it stopped. Usually it would pour and then next thing you know the temperature's back to being uncomfortably warm. But tonight, the presence of the rain from before lingers and while it may not be Winter, the cold is still quite chilling to the bones. And there's no wind blowing. Nothing. It really feels foreign, literally. This stillness and atmosphere reminds me of hotels so quiet that it makes me wonder now if there were other guests there at all. Looks like all that Haruki Murakami reading paid off. My post sounds so novel-ish! I hope I can remember what I what to say. So. I have an unnie which I usually (affectionately/out of knowing her) address as "이상한 언니" (Weird Older Sister in Korean), due to her weird habits and thinking. Not downright wacko, but unusual. I guess you can say it might actually be a good thing since it's called "creativity" when you think "out of the box", but there are things like common cour...

I've been feeling really stressed these fee days - about finding a part-time job, about EDS (a very troublesome module) and about slacking. Obviously everyone's feels stressed about these things at some point of their lives, but I take things too hard. I don't know why but I can never ever tell my friends these things and make them convinced that I AM feeling damn affected. Not that they're uncaring bitches, something just gets lost in communication and my worries gets downplayed a lot. I used not understand why Da-eul Kim chose to commit suicide out of loneliness, but now I do. There's so much on my mind, but there's always no one I can truly consult and get solutions, or at the very least, consolation. Maybe (I wouldn't like to be so superstitious) I'm just a true blue Leo - prideful and egoistic. I hate to lose and I like to compete. If I lose, I just can't accept that I am less capable and just can't feel sincerely happy for somebody. It irks...

Sometimes it can feel really lonely, even when the room is full of chatter; even when we're with friends. It's prolly a reflexive feeling that is manifested due to the lack of attention. I can feel really low for no apparent reasons and be secretly hoping for somebody to notice - and I feel better already. It makes me wonder if, unconsciously, I'm being an attention-seeking whore. Duh yes, people need attention - because only when people notice you, you start existing, in a spiritual way. It's really not living if there's no interactions and connections. When I think about how people dissappointment my expectations, especially when it's a friend, that with-someone-but-lonely feeling will crawl it's way into my brain. Personally, I don't like to not show it when I don't like something, and when a friend does that, it really makes me wonder. Reflecting on that, I realised that I use my strengths as yard sticks when I determine what's right and wro...

I was planning to post this on my Tumblr, but screw it - this place is my home. ♥ ---------------------------- "돌이킬수 없는 시간들 무너져내리는 감정들 붙잡아도 손틈사이로 흩어져" - BoA They're like each other - kinda socially awkward. Both can judge easily and jump to unconfirmed conclusions. But one is willing to listen to advice, while the other drown in her own misery. If you tell the former about her flaws, she'll reflect on it and do something positive but the latter seems to just crawl deeper and further into her own world. So what happened when I told the former some bad news? She thinks the whole world hates her. Simply said, I meant that the former is more optimistic and the latter more pessimistic. Perhaps there are some things I shouldn't tell another person - no matter how much I think I should; no matter how relevant is it to them. Maybe sometimes I should just let it slide and (bloody crap, cheesiness) protect them from the socially- and self-inflicted pain. But I gues...

"Did you know? I heard that diamonds don't get hurt. Tough and beautiful, it even shines. But it is strong and will never get hurt." - Doctor, 「素直になれなくて」 Emo posts are emo. This one's not, I promise! PMS is driving me nuts - now I sound schizophrenic. Wiki-surfing today and learnt about something called neurosis. It's a psychological...condition? It's not as serious as you might think, though plenty of the people in the world have it. I might, but since I'm aware of it, I should be fine. Perhaps this is the devil oppressing me. Sounds like an awfully weird confession. It's been a few days since Zheng Xuan's passing. He should be finally at real rest by now - be happy where ever you are, your friends and family are always with you. The date 1st May (1/5) has a few meanings to me, I mentioned two in a one of the posts earlier. My Strange (in a funny, not bad way, don't worry) Unnie told me about a TP design student commiting suicide on the same d...

It's like there's bad things and things we fear - We call them devils. And there's us that's all on our mission, trying to fight them our own way. Alone, together. Internally, externally. If there's such a devil, there's a reason why it's there. We can try and probably win fighting it, but... It's in me, and I feel a little helpless. Like I know it's wrong and I don't want to think that way, yet the thoughts keep coming. It's a war. But a war will always have the winning side. How can I lose if I know what I need to know? Do I sound schizophrenic? I probably do. =/

Do you know the meaning of this song? It's "Smile as you bade goodbye". Yesterday was the day 1/5 of my persistent dream was fulfilled. Yesterday was also the day my ex-classmate passed away. My dream seems so irrelevant and minute compared to a loss of life, doesn't it? I can't remember when we first became classmates but what I knew of you then is a huge contrast with your current personality. As much as I want to apologise for being an ass while we were classmates in primary school, it's too late isn't it? I only wish that you know, we were all too young and stupid. All the things we did, we said, how much could we actually remember? I'm really sorry we were so immature. There's a lot going through my head but I can't say all. Even if the driver doesn't want this to happen, he's still at fault. He might actually think he's unlucky to have caused everything. but he can't change anything. Blame it on himself. My Dad suggested t...

Did the egg come first; or the hen? 난나쁜 딸이야 최송해 엄마

My left ear just bled while I was cleaning it. Eww gross? Yea, I know. I thought I was gonna lost my hearing in that ear! Gawd! I was so scared! But turns out it's not the eardrum but the ear. So now I'm sleeping, lying on my left so that the blood doesn't "gos-stun" and flow into my eardrum...! Okay, really gross AND scary but I love my ear and this is seriously scaring me! It'll be better tomorrow, or strictly, today. It's only the second day of the new academic year! Please don't go, I love you, ear!!!!! ;____;

Lol, long title much? =P Suddenly blogging a little too frequent than usual - surprised? Well, the frequency is far from when I was back in high school, that's for sure. But, I'm trying to make it a habit. To make myself express myself better and to raise my standard of English, deteriorating so badly thanks to a lack of reading. I need to get my love for books back - saw a few titles I would love to read! ^^ Anyway, had a meaningful Truth or Truth session today. Playing it with Jin and Pei makes me think of the friends I've...neglected - that the right word? I'm too passive when it comes to keeping in contact, so I'll try to change that! :E What I did today, too - hurling vulgarities at the poor TV in unnie's house because Little Big Planet's full of jumping, which I absolutely suck at in video games. But it's such a cute game, I tried my best!

"외로움은 더해가고 젖어드네 꿈속에" - 이효리 안녕 블로그 아ㅏㅏㅏ! :) I've been a huge lazy bum, all the time in between the previous post and this one. If the frequency (or lack) of posts doesn't show that, the fact that I'm blogging from my iPhone on my bed should be good enough proof! What I've been up to...trying to get competiton entries done (failing terribly) and faking to be a Korean by watching plenty of Korean TV. I swear I watch as much if not more than the average Korean. I must be crazy. Went collecting my pay and watching a movie with Nat, FJ and my twin. Got onto the topic of GPA and I felt horrible because mine was so sucky...! OK, Michelle and many others would love to plant a punch on my face for bullshitting, but my (+ my Dad and the soiety's) expectations are higher - I can't run, I can only fight. Besides, I'm more than willing to fight because Pei told me one of her seniors was sent to Korea for a 2-month long ITP, and her nice teacher said it's fin...

3 days of "chasing" Wonder Girls. Woah...! Can't believe I actually did that for almost half a week. Though we didn't stalk (24/7 or close to), it felt like it because all we did was waited for the appearance of the elusive Wonder Girls. Honestly, I am not a huge fan of Wonder Girls (what's more with my favourite, Sunmi, leaving), but I'm glad I tagged along at the request of my dear Pangi Chye Ja. It's great meeting new friends and what's more, getting so close in such a short time! I really hope we can stay in contact and meet up, WG-related or not. Thanks to Joelle, Felicia and PCJ, it's been fun albeit frustrating at times. Whew, it's over. I'm glad we got to see them everyday, though the photo-taking part was still impossible. At least we tried! 8th to 10th March 2010.

I really wish Jyuni will release and promote a solo work soon. 2010, please? It's...2 days after the new year and I've finally came to blog. =) I did remind myself to write my new year resolutions in my new diary before the new year day ended, though. ^^ I shan't make them empty promises! Anyway, some obligatory wishes here too: I wish it'll be a year I successfully become more hardworking and achieve my goals. I wish it'll be a year I get to go Korea with my friends, with the money I will earn. I wish it'll be a year I feel like I accomplished something. I wish it'll be a year I will feel happy reminiscing about. 난 할 수 있어! 믿어 봐!

Well. It's one of those "Getting Jealous of Other's Lives" days. It's weird. In the beginning, I'll feel jealous of their dramatic lives and deep thoughts, then I'll feel, "Can't we live...simply?" 난 싫다. I want to stop this. It'll be one of my new year resolutions for 2010, along with "getting 3.5GPA average". 3.2 is just bullshit! It's not even enough to get into a Singapore University, what's more to say Hongik. I wish I can do better. I will! =)

Back from the 3/4F BBQ/Chalet...! =) Didn't stay overnight - broke, and I really hate to explain why I have to stay overnight and all that jazzus crap. Anyway, there was less than half the class there, no? It's good...and it's bad too, since it's a class chalet. Feel bad for the guys having to do all the BBQ-ing. I envy our chalet neighbours, who had everybody (well, a lot of them) out of the chalet and just BBQing or bullshiting together. It's a small area, but it's better than being divided. The next will be better! Hope the rest have fun overnight and... Please piss the annoying security guard off.