It’s almost three months since Jonghyun committed suicide, but I remain easily affected by any mention of him or his works. And he is but a celebrity whom I have a one-sided acquaintance with and actively sought out news about him years ago.

It’s probably really hard for people who have never liked or cared about celebrities enough to understand his effect, not just on me, but the millions of fans who have varying levels of acquaintance with and active following of his news. The last celebrity death that managed to cause such a stir was probably MJ, then again he wasn’t an idol and the emotionally invested fans are not as aplenty.
Fans - no, actually people in general - give condolences like “he’s in a better place now”, but the more I think about it, isn’t the only “better place” absolutely loss of consciousness for people who commit suicide? I don’t mean knocked out, but never having to have another thought again, because that’s exactly what tortured JH to his death. If a “better pl…

인생 I

요즘따라 주말이라도 아침에 알람소리를 듣을때 항상 "직장에 가야지..."라는 생각이 뜨고 한숨을 쉬었다. 소중한 주말인 만큼 이런 공포감을 그만 느끼게 만들 수 있으면 가끔씩 벌떡 밀려오는 내 삶에 대한 허무감도 덜 느끼겠지?
빼고 늦잠을 자면 시간낭비가 되니까 더 허무감을 느낄건데...

Snippets of My Life #1-2


I sent the apologies to Dana and the 이상한 언니.

I don't know what came over me, but the morning after I posted the previous blogpost, I wrote to the two of them. Last I checked, they both seemed to not have read it. It doesn't make me disappointed though; I'm just glad I plucked up the courage to even do that. It's not me trying to give myself a pat on the back, though I wonder again if apologies only benefit the wrongdoer since it doesn't erase the suffering the victim has to go through. Like I wrote previously, I only hope that the apology conveys how much I regret my actions and makes them feel better, no matter how slightly it is.

I guess this is closure then?

나란 책 (Read Me)

I thought being a quarter of my life to a 100 years old, I would be better at relationships (platonic, familial, all there is under that label), but even after the last(?) post I've written — probably a year or two back — I'm still far from being as matured as I wish I am.
I'm still regretting the things I've said and done during my internship in poly; I'm still regretting how my friendship with the weird unnie ended. In the shoes of a third-party, you could say it's all typical teenage behaviour and immaturity, but I wish I had the maturity then to handle my feelings and the situations better.
I think it's been at least 5-6 years since that all happened and throughout the years I've thought of both incidents and thought of how I could apologise for the misdeeds. But I've never been brave enough to go through with the solutions I had in mind.
Right now, it feels like I could write a sincere apology to each of them, but I ask myself, "do you ne…


「人なれば きっと 後悔が あります。」 そんな思いは 時々 しませんか?
私は さっき 「時をかける少女」劇場版を 見て そうと思った。 大事な選択をするときに戻って 直したいことが ある。
もっと あるんですけど、以下が 一番 後悔するんです。
① 中学のとき クラスの友達と もっと 仲良しに成る。 ② エイッカから募集するとき すぐ 「はい!行きます!」って 話す。

A (slight) change in direction. And — Happy 10th Anniversary!

I'm not a poet, neither am I great writer.

I can't string words together to make them read sophisticated and "chim" — I know, an utter waste of the time spent at creative writing classes when I was in primary school; time that I could have spent watching my favourite Cardcaptor Sakura, seriously. But since I have this absolutely free space for all the weirdness in me, I'm gonna make full use of it.

Aside from the usual — hopefully less — childish ramblings, this medium will be where I try to practise the languages I'm learning/have learnt. Since I can't be speaking to someone native all the time, talking or writing to myself is probably the next best only method I can think of. I'm pretty confident of my Korean (not ready for some political debate anytime soon, though, thank you), but my Japanese is crap.

The best way to learn is always touted to being interested and picking things up along the trail of curiosity but really, guys, learning a language …
I never knew my maternal uncle-in-law (basically 大姨丈) well, but it still came as a shock when I saw my parents leaving our house two nights prior, asked where they were going and my mum replied with the bad news. Though I blurted out that it's so sudden, she knew he wasn't long when he was sent to the hospice a while back.
I struggled, contemplating if I should attend the wake - does that happen to you? I imagine most of my friends wouldn't have had such issues, but being the awkward turtle that I am, I struggled. Because for me, I find it hard to attend a funeral of someone I don't connect with. I can attend a total stranger's funeral if someone close to me is related to the deceased, yet I can't find the motivation to go for the funeral of a maternal aunt. How horrible and regrettable that my familial ties are never strong. And sometimes I wonder if the sloth in me is just taking over and consuming my life. (Okay, that sounded so melodramatic.)
In any case, I…

Graduation, Again.

안녕. Hi there, dear blog.

Is it weird that I'm back again? After two freakin' years? Haha!

I'm pretty speechless and surprised, but thankful that I've remembered this old friend, this blog. And really, while today is a seemingly random day - not my 21st, not the day I got a boyfriend (still hasn't got one, btw) - it is still a unique day: the one and only 24th September 2014.

OK, I'll stop it.

Truth is, it's my graduation today. The day I become a degree holder! -pops champagne-

Aside from simply receiving paper recognition, you could say it's the day I officially step into the white-collared world. Where I'll be working a 9-to-6 job and responsibilities are manifold. I'm now, truly, an adult.

To be cliche and typically teenage, ohmaigawd that iz so frightening?! But honestly, throughout my whole degree course I've always been between school and work, so much so that I actually feel like my part-time job is full-time while my full-time studie…