Connections

It’s almost three months since Jonghyun committed suicide, but I remain easily affected by any mention of him or his works. And he is but a celebrity whom I have a one-sided acquaintance with and actively sought out news about him years ago.

It’s probably really hard for people who have never liked or cared about celebrities enough to understand his effect, not just on me, but the millions of fans who have varying levels of acquaintance with and active following of his news. The last celebrity death that managed to cause such a stir was probably MJ, then again he wasn’t an idol and the emotionally invested fans are not as aplenty.

Fans - no, actually people in general - give condolences like “he’s in a better place now”, but the more I think about it, isn’t the only “better place” absolutely loss of consciousness for people who commit suicide? I don’t mean knocked out, but never having to have another thought again, because that’s exactly what tortured JH to his death. If a “better place” is heaven, his thoughts will continue to gnaw at him. Cruel words by strangers, the crushing expectations might all be gone, but if he could think, he would feel terrible leaving his family and other loved ones behind. I don’t know how that would be a solution he wanted with his death. 

This is what being suicidal means at it’s core, I think? Not wishing for an afterlife, just plain, absolute closure in the form of a sleep that can’t be awaken from.

Well in any case, I don’t intend to curb my getting affected by the mention of JH. His death has really made me think so much more and arrived at so many realisations, not to mention how much joy he brought to me while he was alive and I was way more immature than now. The only way to thank him is to remember him, even when it’s not a special occasion.