나란 책 (Read Me)

I thought being a quarter of my life to a 100 years old, I would be better at relationships (platonic, familial, all there is under that label), but even after the last(?) post I've written — probably a year or two back — I'm still far from being as matured as I wish I am.

I'm still regretting the things I've said and done during my internship in poly; I'm still regretting how my friendship with the weird unnie ended. In the shoes of a third-party, you could say it's all typical teenage behaviour and immaturity, but I wish I had the maturity then to handle my feelings and the situations better.

I think it's been at least 5-6 years since that all happened and throughout the years I've thought of both incidents and thought of how I could apologise for the misdeeds. But I've never been brave enough to go through with the solutions I had in mind.

Right now, it feels like I could write a sincere apology to each of them, but I ask myself, "do you need to dredge up unpleasant memories when they could forgotten or ignored it already?" It sounds like an excuse and I suspect it might be; cowardice at its finest. I don't know if I'm just being too hard on myself over typical teenage behaviour but if that's the price to pay for the wrongs I've done, I deserved it.

It doesn't matter if they'll read it or not, but here's the apologies:

I'm truly sorry, Dana, for being a terrible bully towards you during the Daegu internship. I didn't agree with some your behaviour back then but I definitely did not have the right to punish you by my own accord by making you an outcast. To be honest, I think I was just trying to pick a bone with you through trivial things. It was wrong, unwarranted and I regret making your seven weeks there a living hell when we could've easily talked it out. You don't have to forgive me; if it makes you feel better, I've regretted it all the time whenever I think of the trip. I only wish that it doesn't bother you anymore and it's just an insignificant part of your life.

And to the weird unnie, I'm really sorry for the way I handled our last conversation on Facebook. I had asked you then something along the lines of "Ya! Are you already in Korea?" and I remember being really upset when you didn't reply directly to the question. In hindsight, I realise my tone was rather rude, which might have prompted you to respond negatively and I'm sorry for that. After all these years, with the conversation reduced to a foggy memory, I realise it's really nothing to get all worked up about and to ruin a friendship over. It was stupid of me to have done that. It's a waste of all the fun times we had in school and out, and I wish it wasn't ruined over something so trivial.

....Well, that's that.

If I were to bump into them on the streets, I wish I would have the courage then to walk up to them and let them know in person how I truly feel I've wronged them. It doesn't mean I want to be part of their lives again, not at all. If anything, at the end of the day such apologies are just liberation for the wrongdoer — me. While the people I wronged might never forgive me, I wish that these apologies would help me to forgive myself and get over these misdeeds. 

It's a self-centred motive, sure, but sometimes I feel myself putting too much significance on the smallest things. And I want to stop getting hung up over them. Moving on is the only way I can live my life more freely — even if it's shameless, even if it's selfish. As for regrets, I just need to make sure I don't create more of them.