Be honest about myself.

The rain poured and then...it stopped. Usually it would pour and then next thing you know the temperature's back to being uncomfortably warm. But tonight, the presence of the rain from before lingers and while it may not be Winter, the cold is still quite chilling to the bones. And there's no wind blowing. Nothing.

It really feels foreign, literally. This stillness and atmosphere reminds me of hotels so quiet that it makes me wonder now if there were other guests there at all.

Looks like all that Haruki Murakami reading paid off. My post sounds so novel-ish! I hope I can remember what I what to say.



So. I have an unnie which I usually (affectionately/out of knowing her) address as "이상한 언니" (Weird Older Sister in Korean), due to her weird habits and thinking. Not downright wacko, but unusual. I guess you can say it might actually be a good thing since it's called "creativity" when you think "out of the box", but there are things like common courtesy /capabilities (if I may coin this phrase) that everyone should at least know. I guess it makes her an unnoticed spectator in life because of that.

But honestly, I don't think I'm any better.

Sometimes I really think I should be an actor. I pretend so well I think I fool even myself.
I try my hardest but I can't really handle human interactions well, but thanks to that effort, even close friends think I'm doing fine.

I don't know what to say; I can't really express myself well; and I get nervous.
I know, I probably think too much, that's why it stops me - because I don't want to sound stupid or redundant.
Conversing is one, second is that I can't seem to grow attached to people easily. It's so hard to explain, I feel so lazy.

Maybe I should just be loud.
Maybe I'm just self-absorbed, really.
Or maybe I should blame my mother for turning me into a cynic - even recently when I told her about a friend I made on the first day of work, she said, "can she be called a friend when you only know her for a day?"

I don't know, do you?

I've been feeling really stressed these fee days - about finding a part-time job, about EDS (a very troublesome module) and about slacking. Obviously everyone's feels stressed about these things at some point of their lives, but I take things too hard. I don't know why but I can never ever tell my friends these things and make them convinced that I AM feeling damn affected. Not that they're uncaring bitches, something just gets lost in communication and my worries gets downplayed a lot. I used not understand why Da-eul Kim chose to commit suicide out of loneliness, but now I do. There's so much on my mind, but there's always no one I can truly consult and get solutions, or at the very least, consolation.

Maybe (I wouldn't like to be so superstitious) I'm just a true blue Leo - prideful and egoistic. I hate to lose and I like to compete. If I lose, I just can't accept that I am less capable and just can't feel sincerely happy for somebody. It irks me and I guess it prevents me from laying down the weapons when I should. Taking a leaf out of the Korean pop culture, I suppose I should always have the rookie mindset - being humble and working towards goals.

When we watched "My Black Mini Dress" in Korea, my friends asked about which of the four leads remind us the most of ourselves. It was obvious to me because I related to her quite well, especially our personalities.

Sometimes I hate that I have flaws that have stuck to me since birth, just like unwanted gifts - only they aren't so easy to dispose of. I used to think selfishly like Ex-Roommate - why should I change my personality? It's ME! - but if its a flaw, disposing a million wouldnt even hurt me at all.

There are many things I'm envious of, but only one thing I'm truly jealous about others - their ability to truly connect with another person, care and be concerned for the other party, like siblings, lovers...I guess simply put, to be able to simply love somebody, regardless of their relationship.

I'm just glad that at least I know what my flaws are and is gonna do something to fix it.

Sometimes it can feel really lonely, even when the room is full of chatter; even when we're with friends.

It's prolly a reflexive feeling that is manifested due to the lack of attention. I can feel really low for no apparent reasons and be secretly hoping for somebody to notice - and I feel better already. It makes me wonder if, unconsciously, I'm being an attention-seeking whore. Duh yes, people need attention - because only when people notice you, you start existing, in a spiritual way. It's really not living if there's no interactions and connections.

When I think about how people dissappointment my expectations, especially when it's a friend, that with-someone-but-lonely feeling will crawl it's way into my brain. Personally, I don't like to not show it when I don't like something, and when a friend does that, it really makes me wonder.

Reflecting on that, I realised that I use my strengths as yard sticks when I determine what's right and wrong - if I can do this, he/she needs to match it or beat it. Egoistical? You bet! But the important thing is that I have to accept and understand the vast differences between me and the world.

I want to go on a short vacation alone! ^^

I was planning to post this on my Tumblr, but screw it - this place is my home. ♥

----------------------------

"돌이킬수 없는 시간들
무너져내리는 감정들
붙잡아도 손틈사이로 흩어져"

- BoA

They're like each other - kinda socially awkward. Both can judge easily and jump to unconfirmed conclusions.

But one is willing to listen to advice, while the other drown in her own misery.

If you tell the former about her flaws, she'll reflect on it and do something positive but the latter seems to just crawl deeper and further into her own world. So what happened when I told the former some bad news? She thinks the whole world hates her. Simply said, I meant that the former is more optimistic and the latter more pessimistic.

Perhaps there are some things I shouldn't tell another person - no matter how much I think I should; no matter how relevant is it to them. Maybe sometimes I should just let it slide and (bloody crap, cheesiness) protect them from the socially- and self-inflicted pain. But I guess it's in my personality to be too honest for my own good? What I think is that, I must let them know, so they do something about their predicament. I guess I can't just tolerate them staying at the same place forever, never daring to take a step. I'm the kind that's like "WUT That person said that about me?? Gosh! -pissed- -cries- Argh! Fuck it - not caring anymore." So I welcome honesty. I really want to let the former know - because being like this forever isn't going to help and she's just gonna be stuck in that limbo forever. I'll hate to see a "sadly ever after" ending. Maybe I'm rationalizing things to make it less severe and less my fault. Maybe. I can't really tell.

Honestly, everything is all in the mind.

I've decided (and realised) that nothing important is dependant on chance. There's actually a lot of hard work involved. Call me slow for realising now, but late is always better than never. There's a lot of things that can be changed purely through determination.

Simply by working during the holidays, I feel like I've learnt a lot - gained new experiences and met new people. I think I'm closer to the me that was in primary school personality-wise while my thinking matured, and I like that change because I like my personality in primary school a lot more. I'm still a long way from being more expressive but I think there's no rush - I like the pace and I don't mind staying with my current personality.

Maybe just for now.

Labels: ramblings, ♥felt

"Did you know?
I heard that diamonds don't get hurt.
Tough and beautiful, it even shines.
But it is strong and will never get hurt."
- Doctor, 「素直になれなくて」

Emo posts are emo. This one's not, I promise! PMS is driving me nuts - now I sound schizophrenic.



Wiki-surfing today and learnt about something called neurosis. It's a psychological...condition? It's not as serious as you might think, though plenty of the people in the world have it.
I might, but since I'm aware of it, I should be fine. Perhaps this is the devil oppressing me. Sounds like an awfully weird confession.



It's been a few days since Zheng Xuan's passing. He should be finally at real rest by now - be happy where ever you are, your friends and family are always with you.

The date 1st May (1/5) has a few meanings to me, I mentioned two in a one of the posts earlier. My Strange (in a funny, not bad way, don't worry) Unnie told me about a TP design student commiting suicide on the same day my poor friend died.

I used to think, commuting suicide is something that only the individual can decide, and though the choice is never the right one, it is his/her decision and shouldn't be condemned. But having someone commit suicide when a friend had to go left without a choice, really makes me question my stand. As much as the person might think he/she is suffering, it might be worse off for someone else.

But then you'll never know how it feels to be that person.



Oh, I have no conclusion. Bleh.

It's like there's bad things
and things we fear -
We call them devils.

And there's us that's all on our mission,
trying to fight them our own way.
Alone, together. Internally, externally.

If there's such a devil, there's a reason why it's there.
We can try and probably win fighting it, but...

It's in me, and I feel a little helpless.
Like I know it's wrong and I don't want to think that way, yet the thoughts keep coming.
It's a war.

But a war will always have the winning side. How can I lose if I know what I need to know?



Do I sound schizophrenic? I probably do. =/

Do you know the meaning of this song? It's "Smile as you bade goodbye".

Yesterday was the day 1/5 of my persistent dream was fulfilled.
Yesterday was also the day my ex-classmate passed away.

My dream seems so irrelevant and minute compared to a loss of life, doesn't it?

I can't remember when we first became classmates but what I knew of you then is a huge contrast with your current personality. As much as I want to apologise for being an ass while we were classmates in primary school, it's too late isn't it? I only wish that you know, we were all too young and stupid. All the things we did, we said, how much could we actually remember? I'm really sorry we were so immature.

There's a lot going through my head but I can't say all. Even if the driver doesn't want this to happen, he's still at fault. He might actually think he's unlucky to have caused everything. but he can't change anything. Blame it on himself.

My Dad suggested that I get a driving license a few weeks or so. How about no, for now?

안녕.
다른 세상에 잘 가요.

Did the egg come first; or the hen?

난나쁜 딸이야
최송해 엄마

My left ear just bled while I was cleaning it. Eww gross? Yea, I know. I thought I was gonna lost my hearing in that ear! Gawd! I was so scared! But turns out it's not the eardrum but the ear.

So now I'm sleeping, lying on my left so that the blood doesn't "gos-stun" and flow into my eardrum...! Okay, really gross AND scary but I love my ear and this is seriously scaring me!

It'll be better tomorrow, or strictly, today. It's only the second day of the new academic year!

Please don't go, I love you, ear!!!!! ;____;