// dreamelesse.

It seems like every time I'm back on this blog, somebody has died. It's true — my colleague is dead. But contrary to what we all thought, it wasn't the cancer that killed her — not directly. She passed away after taken off life-support, which she needed because of the cardiac arrest's side effect that occured after she choked on food. She choked on food easily because of the cancer. I didn't feel much honestly, when I first received the news. Was it too sudden? Was it because I expected it because of how unwell she seemed to be from the sliver of information we were able to get occasionally from her husband? Maybe it just didn't feel real until I actually stood before her altar at the funeral, and I cried as I lit an incense stick for her (and burnt my self a little in the process 'cause I didn't notice the other incense sticks — noob). I think it's the first time I've ever been at a funeral of someone I directly and frequently interacted

It’s almost three months since Jonghyun committed suicide, but I remain easily affected by any mention of him or his works. And he is but a celebrity whom I have a one-sided acquaintance with and actively sought out news about him years ago. It’s probably really hard for people who have never liked or cared about celebrities enough to understand his effect, not just on me, but the millions of fans who have varying levels of acquaintance with and active following of his news. The last celebrity death that managed to cause such a stir was probably MJ, then again he wasn’t an idol and the emotionally invested fans are not as aplenty. Fans - no, actually people in general - give condolences like “he’s in a better place now”, but the more I think about it, isn’t the only “better place” absolutely loss of consciousness for people who commit suicide? I don’t mean knocked out, but never having to have another thought again, because that’s exactly what tortured JH to his death. If a “be

요즘따라 주말이라도 아침에 알람소리를 듣을때 항상 "직장에 가야지..."라는 생각이 뜨고 한숨을 쉬었다. 소중한 주말인 만큼 이런 공포감을 그만 느끼게 만들 수 있으면 가끔씩 벌떡 밀려오는 내 삶에 대한 허무감도 덜 느끼겠지? 알람...뺄까?  빼고 늦잠을 자면 시간낭비가 되니까 더 허무감을 느낄건데... ... 결말은

#1 I sent the apologies to Dana and the 이상한 언니. I don't know what came over me, but the morning after I posted the previous blogpost, I wrote to the two of them. Last I checked, they both seemed to not have read it. It doesn't make me disappointed though; I'm just glad I plucked up the courage to even do that. It's not me trying to give myself a pat on the back, though I wonder again if apologies only benefit the wrongdoer since it doesn't erase the suffering the victim has to go through. Like I wrote previously, I only hope that the apology conveys how much I regret my actions and makes them feel better, no matter how slightly it is. I guess this is closure then?

I thought being a quarter of my life to a 100 years old, I would be better at relationships (platonic, familial, all there is under that label), but even after the last(?) post I've written — probably a year or two back — I'm still far from being as matured as I wish I am. I'm still regretting the things I've said and done during my internship in poly; I'm still regretting how my friendship with the weird unnie ended. In the shoes of a third-party, you could say it's all typical teenage behaviour and immaturity, but I wish I had the maturity then to handle my feelings and the situations better. I think it's been at least 5-6 years since that all happened and throughout the years I've thought of both incidents and thought of how I could apologise for the misdeeds. But I've never been brave enough to go through with the solutions I had in mind. Right now, it feels like I could write a sincere apology to each of them, but I ask myself,

「人なれば　きっと　後悔が　あります。」 そんな思いは　時々　しませんか？ 私は　さっき　「時をかける少女」劇場版を　見て　そうと思った。 大事な選択をするときに戻って　直したいことが　ある。 もっと　あるんですけど、以下が　一番　後悔するんです。 ①　中学のとき　クラスの友達と　もっと　仲良しに成る。 ②　エイッカから募集するとき　すぐ　「はい！行きます！」って　話す。　

I'm not a poet, neither am I great writer. I can't string words together to make them read sophisticated and "chim" — I know, an utter waste of the time spent at creative writing classes when I was in primary school; time that I could have spent watching my favourite Cardcaptor Sakura, seriously. But since I have this absolutely free space for all the weirdness in me, I'm gonna make full use of it. Aside from the usual — hopefully less — childish ramblings, this medium will be where I try to practise the languages I'm learning/have learnt. Since I can't be speaking to someone native all the time, talking or writing to myself is probably the next best only method I can think of. I'm pretty confident of my Korean (not ready for some political debate anytime soon, though, thank you), but my Japanese is crap. The best way to learn is always touted to being interested and picking things up along the trail of curiosity but really, guys, learning a lan